Watched From the Shadows: The After Effects
Two weeks ago I stood in court and delivered a victim impact statement at my stalker’s sentencing. One of the things I said in the statement was that for him this is the end, but for me it’s just the beginning. He was released the following day, credited with time served. I wish it were that simple for me.
Last night I had a nightmare that he raped and killed me. I woke up at 2am crying, not knowing where I was or that it wasn’t real. I called off work today. I said that I was up all night and left it at that.
This is hard. So very, very hard. Some days I’m ok, other days I lay in bed not wanting to get up. The nightmares come and go. Some nights I know that they’re not real and I can calm myself down, other nights I wake up disoriented and crying.
I’m not afraid of him, he’s pathetic. I’m afraid of being afraid. My fear is like a cobweb up in the corner of a room. It’s not in the way, but I know that it’s there. It’s always there.
For the most part today I withdrew and slept. I laid on the couch for two hours wanting a cup of coffee but unable to get up and make one.
I ignored work calls that I’ll probably pay the price for tomorrow. I just couldn’t today. I feel like a fraud. I know that I’m sick but I don’t look sick. People think that, oh she went to court, but that’s over now. It’s not over. It wasn’t just that day. It’s every day.
I ran tonight. Just three miles. It was much harder than it should have been. When I’m stressed like this it’s always harder. But I did it.
I know there will be days when I won’t. It will just be too hard. I know that there will be more nightmares. Hopefully not as bad. I know that there will be more days when I just can’t with everything. But I also know that I won’t give up.
I’d always thought that training for a marathon was one of the hardest things I’d ever do. I would give anything to still think that.