Watched From the Shadows: The After Effects

Watched From the Shadows: The After Effects

 


Two weeks ago I stood in court and delivered a victim impact statement at my stalker’s sentencing. One of the things I said in the statement was that for him this is the end, but for me it’s just the beginning. He was released the following day, credited with time served. I wish it were that simple for me.

Last night I had a nightmare that he raped and killed me. I woke up at 2am crying, not knowing where I was or that it wasn’t real. I called off work today. I said that I was up all night and left it at that.

This is hard. So very, very hard. Some days I’m ok, other days I lay in bed not wanting to get up. The nightmares come and go. Some nights I know that they’re not real and I can calm myself down, other nights I wake up disoriented and crying.

I’m not afraid of him, he’s pathetic. I’m afraid of being afraid. My fear is like a cobweb up in the corner of a room. It’s not in the way, but I know that it’s there. It’s always there.

For the most part today I withdrew and slept. I laid on the couch for two hours wanting a cup of coffee but unable to get up and make one.

I ignored work calls that I’ll probably pay the price for tomorrow. I just couldn’t today. I feel like a fraud. I know that I’m sick but I don’t look sick. People think that, oh she went to court, but that’s over now. It’s not over. It wasn’t just that day. It’s every day.

I ran tonight. Just three miles. It was much harder than it should have been. When I’m stressed like this it’s always harder. But I did it.

I know there will be days when I won’t. It will just be too hard. I know that there will be more nightmares. Hopefully not as bad. I know that there will be more days when I just can’t with everything. But I also know that I won’t give up.

I’d always thought that training for a marathon was one of the hardest things I’d ever do. I would give anything to still think that.

Comments 4

  • Have you talked to counselors in this area? You really need some help in dealing with this life altering situation. I doubt you can handle it on your own. Love you.

  • This was so hard to read because I wish I could give you a big hug. I know there are probably no words that can make you feel better, but know that you have my support. I dont know what this feels like, but I do know that it must be so overwhelming and difficult and I think you are doing the best you can right now. Sounds like your visit to the counselor might help provide you with some clarity and ideas to help. I am thinking of you!
    Heather recently posted…Trail Tuesday 3/21My Profile

    • Thank you Heather. My session yesterday was very helpful. Sharing what’s going on is very therapeutic for me. I don’t feel as alone when I write about it and I hope if someone that is reading is going through something similar they don’t feel alone too.

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